Yesterday was hard. I screwed up. A lot. Both as a mother and a friend. Sam woke up in the middle of the night with a runny nose and I couldn’t go back to sleep for hours. I slept through my alarm. There was tantrum after tantrum, and instead of handling the situation with patience and grace, I yelled. A lot. My mother had car trouble and I rushed to pick her up, forgetting to cancel my knitting date at my house with a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while. Something I had been looking forward to for weeks. It took multiple texts from her (while she waited in my driveway) before I realized what I had done. I was late picking Sam up from school. I missed the window for Caleb’s nap and when I tried to lay him down he was so frantic and over tired he refused to sleep for the rest of the day. I accidentally fed Eddie sour milk. I ran out of diapers. Caleb scooted/zombie crawled over to a pile of folding chairs we had leaning against the wall and pulled one down on himself. He’s fine, but it scared the shit out of me. I gave up on cooking and ordered Dominos. For lunch. I mopped the floor and while I was putting the mop away, Eddie threw up on the floor.
As the day progressed, the family cold that I had managed to avoid the past two weeks seemed to finally catch up with me and my head began to pound and my throat started to ache. More tantrums. More yelling. More tears. It was like I couldn’t stop screwing up. It’s incredibly rare that I go to bed at night feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life but yesterday was one of those days. The house was in total disarray. After the kids went to bed, I cleaned up and took a hot shower and cried into a large cup of tea (okay, fine, half tea, half whiskey). I decided not to knit, and instead curled up on the couch in front of the fire with a blanket and watched trashy television for two hours.
Yesterday was rough, but I’m determined that today will be better. Gabe is out of town for the next few days and I refuse to spend those days wallowing in self pity. As I type this, Eddie is screaming on the floor because her favorite dress is dirty and I won’t let her wear it. My optimism is already waning.
Yesterday was bad. Today will be better. If I say it enough, perhaps it will become true.
This post was supposed to be about my knitting but I ended up whining instead. Let’s focus on happy stuff now. Yarn makes everything better.
I finished my test knit for sam lamb. She will make the pattern available shorty and I highly recommend trying it out, especially if you are relatively new to colorowork. It’s not too complex and it’s so fun to see little lambs appear before your eyes as the pattern progresses. Although I knit the adult size, Sam is modeling it for me because I’m terrible at selfies. Must be a generational thing. This was my first attempt at knitting continental. I think I did an okay job. I didn’t catch my floats either, and even after blocking there is a spot where it pulls a bit because my tension is off. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m a novice at continental or because I didn’t catch my floats.
I’m still working on my Hollows shawl. I’m nearly half way through. Once I finish, I will start on Chanukah gifts. In the meantime, I’m enjoying making something just for me.
Your little hat turned out just gorgeous!
I’m sorry you had to go through a day like this. Isn’t that feeling of failure the worst of it all? Worse than the mess, the vomit… But we are human and some days are just too rough for us. A wise old lady once told me – you are perfect for today, you might want to change tomorrow, but you are really enough for today.
I just hope you will be able to catch up on that knit-date with your friend very soon 🙂
Lena xxx
What a wonderful piece of advice! I don’t believe I was perfect for that day or for the rest of the week for that matter. And you’re right, I think going to bed that night feeling like a terrible person was what made me feel the worst. The week improved as soon as Daddy came home, and I did have my knitting date with my friend just the other day. I was desperate for adult conversation and it refilled my cup, so to speak. Thank you for your kind words, Lena!
The hat is gorgeous, you did an amazing job!
And I deeply and totally sympathize with the “yelling-I-want-to-avoid-but-keeps-coming-out”. Just two days ago, I’d had very little sleep and my students were getting noisier and noisier. My patience was getting thinner by the minute and after snapping a few times I looked at them and just said: if you keep talking, I will explode! Well, they stopped. (Bless them…)
It helps to warn children when we have no patience in store. BUT I have 9-10 years old, which makes the world of a difference…
Thank you, Helene. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be loosing one’s patience in a room full of nine year olds! Unfortunately, warnings were just not working that day. It was just a train wreck of emotions, and I wasn’t helping one bit. The week improved a little but I have to say I didn’t breathe a sigh of relief until my husband came home. Sometimes you just need Daddy to take over so that you may walk away for a bit!
You are not alone. I’ve gone through these rough times and now my daughter gets to go through them with her 3 kids. Just keep plugging along. I had to look again who submitted about this because I’ve been a reader of your blog for a few years…and I think you are practically perfect.
“…and I think you are practically perfect.” I had to laugh at that. I always feel like my posts reveal how scattered and frantic my life is…knitting is truly my little piece of calmness in my otherwise chaotic world. Isn’t it funny how the internet can drastically alter how our lives seem to others? I’m so glad you enjoy my blog, Gwendolyn. Thank you for your encouraging words.
Oh my, what a day! I can so remember days like that. And then I read about your husband being out of town and thought “Yes, I truly do remember days like that” (mine traveled an average of 1-2 weeks a month, 8 months a year for a handful of years. Of course that handful included having two littles and a newborn, then three littles and another newborn). It is so hard to take care of everything in times like that, and especially hard to take care of ourselves. And we know that Mom being down sick is just not an option. Chin up, these days will come to an end, trust me (mine are now in their twenties with just my ‘baby’ left in the last year of teenagerhood). I hope today has brought you renewed strength, joy, and peace.
Thank you for your kind words, Kris. I have to confess the week did not improve by much, but reading everyone’s encouraging words, including yours, did help quite a bit! This week is much better. As my health improves, so does my mood and overall outlook. Imagine that 😉
Hope you are feeling better soon. The hat is lovely. Nice colors for the background. All sheep farmers love sheep hats! Right?
Thank you, Marlyn. I am feeling much better, both physically and mentally! I’m glad you like the hat. I was envisioning sheep in a field covered by fog when I choose the colors. I plan on knitting another one soon!